Home > Ever ever after, Narcissistic, Ramblings > Disturbed, somewhat

Disturbed, somewhat

November 13, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

I wish I left my laptop perpetually on like I do in England. And the internet connection is always there.

I’m typing on a words file now.

The idea to have a blog was my mother’s. Fed up with my writing insecurities, she thought I should get on the horse again and start writing again.

In my first year, my then personal tutor found my blog. Probably like all students, I wasn’t impressed with my tutors. Or maybe it’s just me with ridiculously high standards for my tutors.

Yeah, and when one went waayyyy beyond my expectations, I started hating him.

Love him one moment and hate him the very next. Sometimes I wonder if I really didn’t understand him. After all, I could understand the Bullet train, who had a much thicker accent.

Anyway, my then personal tutor found me, and I freaked out. I stopped blogging.

And I came back to Malaysia for Christmas break. My luggage was overweight; with presents.

I still couldn’t sleep on planes, that time. Then when I went to Dublin last St Paddy’s evening, I actually almost fell asleep. Almost; the flight took less than 30 minutes from EMA. Probably something really was bothering me unconsciously on flights.

My Understanding Law results really didn’t bother me. It amused me, actually. Which nut of a person could come up with 0.25 for essays but my examiner, I thought.

In my second year, I took a module my personal tutor taught, though I didn’t get him. I got my Understanding Law tutor. He didn’t matter much. He was this over-intelligent person that I can’t understand. Not what he says, but what he meant. Everything he says were just waffling to me.

Nonetheless, I did get my personal tutor for one of the seminars; my tutor had to attend some funeral.

He scared the hell out of me. It was like they were two different people; the man I see in his office and the guy leading the seminar.

And it was extremely extremely frustrating when he failed me.

And was even more annoying when I actually got a bloody 2.1 for the resit; marked by my seminar leader.

I know I used my Understanding Law examiner as the reason I stopped writing. She was, actually, a scape goat. And I feel guilty using her as such.

Sometimes I think to myself, “maybe I should send her an apology.” Would surprise her, no doubt; since she didn’t know I exist–or at least at this level. Rather random, wouldn’t you think?

However, the truth is, both my personal tutors were the one that actually hit the spot.

Oh, I had another personal tutor in my first semester in Uni. He left after that; his replacement was on study leave the first semester.

I was so shocked when he told me he was leaving, to be honest. I even blurted out “then why in the world did they give you personal tutees?”

He couldn’t give an answer.

My mother was the one that pushed me to have a blog again. She thought it was ridiculous I was still cowering under that “idiot”‘s shadow.

So I started a blog; but I didn’t tell her the address. Just that it exist so she wouldn’t push me to start it constantly.

Werd, huh?

A blog just to type whatever I’m feeling to supposedly boost my confidence on my ability to write.

To be honest, I don’t think it’s doing anything. Especially since I don’t actually have repeat readers except few friends.

Anyway, yes; back to the original story.

I wish my laptop is perpetually on and that the internet connection is always on.

The wireless is being an idiot right now.

Oh well.

I’m currently reading Murakami’s Norwegian Wood.

It is rather disturbing. Waayyyy too many people committing suicide in there. It’s like, haunting me or something. God. And you would think that the Japanese have gone extinct with the amount of suicide being committed in there if you’re ignorant about the world.

It’s like every family in there has a person that have committed suicide.

And the topics that are discussed there… I don’t know. I feel uncomfortable.

However, I never ever stop reading a book unless I have to concentrate on my studying or leave the country to study. Even with the latter sometimes I would just bring the book with me. If I don’t, that book would be the first book I read when I come back; that’s the case with In Her Shoes. The former is the case with Lord of the Rings. To be honest, I have yet to finish the book. I started reading after PMR, when I was 15. Then I started school and additional maths almost killed me, so I stopped reading. I reread it again during my form4 and 5 school holiday, but I still can’t seem to finish it till book 6. I need to reread it because there’s so many things going on and if I just start from where I left, I would have forgotten it. Quite slow since I have this horrid habit of reading several books at one time. Don’t even ask me why I do that.

I really need to finish the book; the Lord of the Rings, I mean. That’s the only “complete” book that I have yet to finish the whole thing that I have started. And it is driving me crazy; it’s one of the 3 books my mother have never finished reading and wouldn’t bother anymore. So I said I will finish reading it.  Which was why I started reading Lord of the Rings. The other being War and Peace; I’m not sure what’s the third though.

So since  then, I never stopped reading a book, regardless how disturbed I am with it. I will finish reading Norwegian Wood. Just that it is taking soooo long. About a month, almost. I don’t know actually; I started it after I finish reading Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. I can calculate the days, I suppose; since from my posts I know when I finished that book; but I’m too lazy so too bad.

Nonetheless, I have to say Murakami is one super well-read person. The amount of literature that he mentions. Whoa. Amazing. I salute him.

I really don’t know whether I would read his books anymore. Not really my taste. I mean, I rather read Rosemary’s Baby by Ira Levin.

Or maybe I might read it one day after I’ve recovered.

Or maybe I’ll give him a chance; maybe it’s just this book that bothers me. I don’t know.

We’ll see how.

Depends a lot of my finances, of course.

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