Home > Narcissistic > Change


For a moment, I was searching for a capital delta for my title. Then I paused and wondered how to actually spell the word “change”.

Checked my RealPlayer, among the songs of Taylor Swift; I remember there was a song with the word as the title.

My spelling is out of the window, sometimes I find.

Or maybe because I’ve been scribbling economics formulas; calculating exchange rate and such.

I know, what a freak.

I also promised myself that I would read the Malay newspaper cover to cover (including sports, yes) at least one copy a week. I haven’t purchased one. Maybe I should ask my mother to bring back the office copy. Not because I want to read the news; I read the English papers for that. However, I realize how horrid my Malay vocabulary is that I am taking a break from reading my French for Dummies book. I’m grateful that I didn’t bother taking a class for it. I better try master the two language I profess I know how to speak instead of trying to pick up a new one.

I refuse to read my mother’s inaugural lecture. I read the first 5 pages, and realized that there are quite a few terminologies that the Malay dictionary can’t explain. And yes, I decided to use the Dewan dictionary instead of a Malay-English one (which looks like it is in a horrid condition thanks to my mother. Maybe we should get a dictionary each instead of sharing…) so that I would get acquainted to the actual meaning instead of the nearest word in another language. That subtle differences always make you sound more intelligent when you use the actual term for your sentence.

I am still amazed that I got an A2 for my Bahasa Malaysia in SPM.

I never ever answered that section where they give two very similarly spelled word. I can’t remember if you’re supposed to explain the meaning or use it in a sentence; either way, you would have to know the meaning, and I never do. It just confuses me and makes me wonder, “oh, there’s a word spelled that way?”

Must make effort to re-learn Malay!! Or, more like, Malaysian.

When I was in Ireland, people kept asking me if I could actually speak “Malaysian”. I looked at them straight in the eye and said “no”. Then, in my head, it was more because I thought, “there’s no such thing as ‘Malaysian language’; we have Malay.”

Talked to a friend about it–can’t remember who now–and she said that “yeah, your Malaysian is crap!!”

I looked at her, confused.

“Your standard Malay. You know, the actual official language; that we learn in school? The one without any dialect? With the proper tatabahasa (grammar)? Remember the timetable usually says we would be having “Bahasa Malaysia” during that particular period?”

Oh, right.

Though, to be honest, I’m not sure. I saw my SPM certificate that it states there the subject is “Bahasa Melayu”. And since I don’t keep in touch with my high school friends (rather complicated and annoying story), I am not sure if that was the case in my school.

Though reading the many articles on the teaching of Maths and Science… they seem to be implying that they call the subject Bahasa Malaysia now…

So, yes, a struggle I would be having to brush up my Malaysian.

Though I should have told my interviewers, yes, my Bahasa Melayu is still A2; which dialect do you want me to speak in? 😛

Way to endear yourself to get the job then.

Oh well.

So yes, change!!!

I’ve been feeling crap nowadays. Don’t know why. Maybe because I missed my surgery clinic appointment yet again, maybe because I’m feeling under the weather… I don’t know. I just feel crap. And I feel like I need a change. A physical change.

I am losing weight; bit by bit, thanks to my mother’s “diet”. Her cardio told her to cut down on her carbs and eat whole grains.

So, now, we mix our rice; brown and white. I find it too troublesome to cook them seperately and my cousin doesn’t mind.

Brown rice; which would mean my food intake would drop drastically. Could only take half the amount of my usual rice intake if it was mixed with brown rice.

I don’t know why but brown rice make me feel stuffed; and for very long.

The best way for me to go on a diet is to eat brown rice only.

The other whole grain stuff–pasta, bread, cereal, etc–doens’t effect me as much as brown rice. It does keep me full slightly longer than their white counter parts, but I eat about the same amount every time!!

For some reason, this eating very little annoys me quite a bit.

Probably because quite a number of my skirts are quite loose now. Though most of it doesn’t annoy me since it’ll just make the skirt a more decent length for Malaysia.

However, one of them… Now the skirt’s hem falls halfway of my calf; the fattest part of it. I look short in that skirt!!

And a suit skirt is so loose… I feel like unpicking it. Though my mother warned me, “are you going to sew it by hand? It’ll take forever. You still do not know how to use the machine.”

Curse the fact that the 4 year old me was so curious of a sewing machine and pricked her finger with the needle. Yes; that was what happened. The needle went through my nail, and almost went through the bone. Luckily my uncle’s a medical assistant and got it out. Though it was just a bloody needle. Gahh. Still, my grandmother refused to let me anywhere near a sewing machine. Only experience I have with it was in school, where my grandmother didn’t know. She used to unpick my school projects and sew it back because it is so horrible. My teachers were always amazed as to how tidy my sewing was. Good thing they didn’t make me sew in front of them; I wouldn’t get a straight line!!

Anyway; my hips might be going, but my tummy’s still there. So annoying. I should do sit ups, but I’m too lazy. I should start using the treadmill again like I was before I left for the UK (did it mainly because I was afraid I would walk soooo slow and embarrass myself), but… oh, I don’t know.

Regardless, I want a drastic physical change. And I can’t think of anything else I could change but my hair, regardless of the fact that it is only shoulder length.

Can’t do my eyebrows even though I thought about it since I haven’t let it go bushy recently. My menses were quite some time ago. I do feel like changing the shape somewhat. Hmmm…

I suppose I’ll trim and streak my hair. My mother would flip; wasting money or whatever. However, I am trying to convince myself that it will be an investment. I would feel somewhat better about myself, and would write my cover letters more confidently and hopefully finally get a response.

Goddamn it; doesn’t the bloody 2.1 in Company Law make any difference to these people??? Sigh.

Think positive. Your hair would not fall too flat soon… And hopefully wouldn’t curl only one way. And your fringe wouldn’t have that weird kink.

Maybe I should get straightening brush to deal with these weird kinks that my hair occassionally gets. Sigh.

Absolutely no idea how I want my hair to end up looking. I’ll just go and see what they think.

PS: funny that when I tell myself, no, I wouldn’t bother with wearing make up, that is when I would put it on properly. Sigh.

Categories: Narcissistic
  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: